


Road Trip

by ShallNeverSurrender



Category: Justice (Band)
Genre: AU, M/M, Pining, Road Trip, Xavier is angry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-02
Updated: 2014-09-08
Packaged: 2018-02-15 22:34:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2245821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShallNeverSurrender/pseuds/ShallNeverSurrender
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The road is bumpy and with Pedro behind the wheel it’s anything but gentle and careful. He zooms between potholes and goes well over the speed limit. It’s okay though, they all agree, because it’s summer and they are young and they’re on a road trip. </p><p>But what is a road trip, without a little drama?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Road Trip

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LarytaDaftJustice](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LarytaDaftJustice/gifts).



> I'd like to give Lara a thousands of thanks for her help, advices and just everything. She's been the best while I've been writing this fic. Thank you Lara!

The road is bumpy and with Pedro behind the wheel it’s anything but gentle and careful. He zooms between potholes and goes well over the speed limit. It’s okay though, they all agree, because it’s summer and they are young and they’re on a road trip.

 

The air conditioner has been broken since they stopped for gas earlier that morning and the machinery that allows the windows to be rolled down has failed on them. In other words, the car is uncomfortably hot but it doesn’t seem to bother them at all. In the front, Pedro chats idly with Christopher, it bores Xavier to death. He is seated between Gaspard, on his right, and Thibaut, on his left. Gaspard is fast asleep, his body propped against the door and his head bobbing along with the car. Xavier steals a glance of the sleeping man and momentarily falls in love all over again. His chest aches a little and his breath shortens, eyes softening as if he’s caving in to let tears finally escape his tear ducts. They’ve been friends for months now, they’ve flirted back and forth but they’re still just friends. Xavier tears his eyes away from Gaspard, and feels his breath resume and chest loosen up.

Ever since Gaspard had walked into the record shop Xavier works in, the young man had felt attraction towards him. At first it had been the desire to kiss him wildly, to grab onto those curls and pull him down into a fierce and heated kiss. It had been plain, raw lust.

Turning his head back to Gaspard to eye the sleeping man again, he thinks about that day. He had been so angry about school and friends and just about everything, and then Gaspard showed up. Gaspard with unruly curls and sunglasses perched on the bridge of his nose, with a leatherjacket and torn jeans. It had been the epitome of _fuck me_.

Xavier yawns, eyes drooping a little. It is unbearable hot inside the car and it feels as if he just closes his eyes for a fraction of a second he would fall asleep. Unconsciously he leans towards Gaspard, who stirs in his sleep and leans more against the window, the movement causing Xavier to fall against him. His face is all but planted against Gaspard’s chest. _So close,_ Xavier thinks, throat going dry, yet he does nothing to move from his position. Looking aroundhe catches Pedro glancing at him – a full smirk on his lips and a knowing look in his eyes. He curses Pedro loudly inside his head for a few seconds before going back to Gaspard and the overwhelming sensation of being so close.

Inside his chest, his heart flutters. Ear tips and cheeks redden and he closes his eyes, afraid that the moment would end all too quickly otherwise. He thinks back to when they met, thinks about the easy time before he knew that Gaspard even existed. With the correct answers in hand, he now feels that he could’ve gone his whole life without meeting Gaspard. It had been primal need and lust, the wish to fall into bed with the then stranger, but, as time passed, it changed into something else. Something _so_ very different to anything Xavier had ever felt before. Love. He, of all people had fallen in love with a guy he only saw every third day from 08:15 to 08:30.

 

Twisting a little in his feigned sleep, Xavier found himself a better position and somewhere behind him Gaspard lets out what sounded as a happy noise. An arm falls around Xavier’s body pretty soon and all the young man can think of is that he would much rather crawl into Gaspard’s lap and declare his undying love for him, while burying his hands in that mop of unruly curls. He wants to bring them so close together that their breath mingles, yet not touching him. He wants to tease and slowly let Gaspard be the one to make the first move.

Xavier’s chest aches. He wants to do so many things yet he gets nothing. He has even given up meaningless sex for Gaspard! Had sort of given up his previous lifestyle as soon as Gaspard entered his life.

 

Xavier sighs loudly, furrowing his eyebrows as he moves a bit again, resting heavily against Gasparad’s broader chest. He will deal with all of his feelings later, right now falling asleep seems to be the best idea. Only seconds later he’s drifting off to sleep.

 

†

 

                      It’s ten o’ clock in the evening when they finally arrive at their destination, it’s still hot and dry outside, but they’re not complaining – they’re only happy they’re out of the car and can breathe fresh air again. As they’re all stepping out of the car, Xavier’s heart drops a little. Gaspard is ignoring him completely, he doesn’t even look at Xavier, doesn’t address him, nothing. All he does is putting his sunglasses on and talks to Pedro in a low hushed tone. The very same tone that sends small, electrifying bursts throughout Xavier’s body. And here Xavier thinks they would’ve come closer thanks to the small cuddling session.

 

                      Xavier shakes his head abruptly, bites the insides of his cheek and puffs his chest out. He shouldn’t care, and he doesn’t care. It’s just a crush, he tells himself. Nothing important.

                      He fishes out a pack of cigarettes from his jeans, glad that he’s finally able to smoke, a thing he’s been missing the entire day. _Stupid Pedro and his rules about not smoking in his car_ , Xavier thinks as he lights the cigarette, relief flooding him as soon as he brings the cigarette to his lips.

 

When all of them are out of the car and after they’ve done a little stretching, Pedro announces that he will fix rooms for them. Xavier looks on as his friend walks into the rather big and blocky building ahead of them. The door looks kind of old and could do with a new paintjob but it did look okay though. Not that Xavier would be afraid to sleep in a building like that. His glance strays lazily over the building and stops briefly at the lit sign over the door. “Sunflower“ it says, in big, bold funky letters. Xavier thinks it looks absolutely horrible.

Gaspard seems to disappear the second Pedro does, but Xavier tells himself not to be bothered it.

 

“Are you okay?” Thibaut asks from behind Xavier, gently tapping the young man on his shoulder. Xavier simply shrugs and breathes out deeply. Of course he’s fine, why wouldn’t he be? It’s not like almost cuddling with Gaspard had any effect on him. Thibaut gives him a knowing look, but doesn’t push the matter any further. It’s great to have understanding friends.

Xavier leans gently against the car and eyes Thibaut. At least he had found the love of his life, and at least his boyfriend does feel the same for him. Xavier isn’t jealous at all. He huffs and knits his eyebrows together as he flicks the cigarette butt to the ground and presses down on it with the heel of his shoe.

 

The three of them, Xavier, Thibaut and Christopher, all turn around as Pedro comes back, visibly trying to hide a smirk. He announces that the hostel was low on rooms, but it’s fine – they had two rooms left. Xavier’s brow just furrows further as Pedro continues talking.

“You and Gaspard will share a room”, Pedro says, and Xavier wrinkles his nose and thinks that it sounds like a conspiracy, even more so when he sees that smirk all over Pedro’s face.

Gaspard chooses this moment to return from wherever he had been and Xavier shoots the other man a look. He would rather not share a room with Gaspard at this point, and when he sees Gaspard the other looks like he feels the same. It looks as if he would rather sleep on the floor in the other room than in the same room as Xavier. It makes his chest constrict and he quickly looks back to Pedro, who gives him two thumbs up. _Fucking prick_ , Xavier thinks. On the outside however, he looks completely indifferent as Pedro ushers for them to take their bags and go to their designated rooms.

 

Xavier struggles with his bag as they’re walking up the stairs, it’s heavy and ungainly and he hates it. He almost drops it on his foot and swears out loud, trying not to look at Gaspard.

“Just give me the bag, Xavier”, comes Gaspard’s voice, too close for Xavier’s likening and he jolts – almost dropping the bag again. Why would Gaspard care about helping him now? Sure they were friends, but not the type of friends that carried things for each other. Plus, Xavier really hates it because he really does feel like a kid, especially as Gaspard simply lifts his bag as if it is nothing and then continues up the stairs.

As soon as they’re in front of their door, Xavier pushes past Gaspard and not so very accidentally elbows the man in the stomach. Gaspard doesn’t even call him out on it and it makes Xavier just a little more irritated. He stomps over to the window and all but flings it open; he desperately needs another smoke right now.

Behind him, Gaspard drops the bags on the floor with a loud thud and then he closes the door. Xavier briefly thinks that he should’ve opted to lean on Thibaut while in the car instead; it would’ve been so much easier. It would’ve spared him from the inner turmoil he is now suffering from. He sighs again and lights another smoke, just lightning it brings him a pleasant relief and he leans out through the window, smoking in silence as he listens to Gaspard doing whatever he’s doing.

 

“Can I have one?” Gaspard asks, and Xavier thinks about denying him one at first, but then hands him a cigarette and the lighter. They smoke in utter silence, which feels nice. Xavier takes another drag of his cigarette, thinks back to just moments ago when they had been woken up in the car. The way Gaspard had suddenly pushed at Xavier’s weight and even though it had been in the middle of the evening, he had put sunglasses on. Xavier’s shoulders slump a little and he looks downwards on the building, towards the street below. The streetlight flickers every third second and it looks kind of eerie. As he takes another drag of his cigarette, he glances towards Gaspard, thinking briefly about how the man looks so handsome.

A chilly breeze comes through the open window, and Xavier wrinkles his nose before flinging the cigarette butt out the window. He can feel Gaspard’s eyes linger on him. Can feel the heat radiating from the other man as they’re standing so close. He can even feel the soft caress of Gaspard’s cologne. _Fuck_ , he thinks as he knits his eyebrows together and turns around hastily, a soft blush covering his cheeks. His heartbeat picks up its rate and he suddenly wants to be anywhere else than in a cramped room with Gaspard.

 

“I’m going to bed”, he announces as he walks briskly towards his bag. He digs around it for a few seconds before finding what he’s looking for – an old, grey t-shirt with white text printed on it. He strips out of his clothing quickly, all but throwing his own clothes on top of his bag, clearly not caring for wrinkles.

 

From the window, Gaspard is looking as Xavier pushes his pants down, but Xavier has his back turned to the older man and he doesn't notice. Xavier doesn’t see the way Gaspard’s eyes gently follow the curve of Xavier’s behind as he bends forward. Xavier doesn’t hear the shift in Gaspard’s breathing as his breath grows deeper and heavier. Xavier doesn’t notice the difference in Gaspard’s heartbeat.

 

Xavier tugs the old t-shirt over his head and then goes to lie down in one of the beds. He decides that facing the wall is much easier.

He hears the window being closed, then there’s the rustle of clothing and then just silence. Not even a goodnight.

Xavier frowns and hopes tomorrow will be better.


	2. Nightmare

It’s in the dead of the night and there’s absolute silence save for Xavier and his constantly trashing around on the bed, he tosses and turns – blanket nearly thrown to the floor in his wake. Suddenly he sits up, startled, his eyes wide and terrified.

 

A somewhat recurring nightmare have chosen now of all nights to come back and haunt him and Xavier can feel dread filling him. He clutches his head in his hands as he leans forward to try and breathe properly – anything to calm his racing heart and mind. Anything to try and battle off the creeping feeling of being followed, or watched by something lurking in the shadows. A shiver runs down his spine and his body shakes as his eyes flicker across the room then back to his bed again. Why now? Why when he was on a trip with his friends?

A tiny gasp escapes him as his heart picks up its rate again, the traces of the dream still clear in his mind.

 

“Xavier?” The man in question doesn’t move from his hunched state, doesn’t react to the way his name is called out in a slightly worried and hushed tone. All Xavier does is shake his head repeatedly, just the tiniest. His breathing is now ragged and when he feels a hand on his shoulder, he nearly panics and moves backwards on the bed. He clutches his head harder in his hands and grinds his teeth together, absolutely sure the person haunting his dreams has come for him.

 

“Xavier, look at me-“ he hears the worried voice call out for him again, although distantly. There’s another hand on his other shoulder and then he’s being turned around by force.

As he’s being turned up to face Gaspard he’s pulled from his thoughts and haunting dreams, the first thing that comes to his mind is that he’s being held close to a warm body. Xavier also notices the lack of said body’s clothes.

Gaspard leans in close and presses their foreheads together, and all Xavier can think is that it’s so very different from how it usually is. Gaspard is careful, gentle and nice and Xavier can most definitely get used to this kind of treatment.

 

Xavier relaxes somewhat in the embrace, limbs hanging loosely by his sides instead of clutching his head. Gaspard is so close, and his mere presence makes the nightmare slowly dissolve into nothing. _It was just a nightmare_ he thinks to himself as he leans forward into the rather tight embrace. Maybe sharing a room with Gaspard hadn’t been that bad after all.

 

“Are you alright?” Gaspard asks after a while, his voice soft and tender, now clear as crystal. He draws back from the embrace to look at Xavier with concerned eyes. The younger man looks down immediately, suddenly embarrassed, but he nods nonetheless and shrugs lightly.

“Want to do something? Do you want a smoke?” Xavier nods to both questions and then lets out a low sigh, trying to pull himself together. _It was only a dream_ , he tells himself one more time as he scoots further away from Gaspard and his obvious nakedness.

 

Gaspard moves from his crouching position next to Xavier’s bed and walks over to his stuff to pull out something from his jeans before turning around to look at Xavier again, the latter is dressed in his over-sized t-shirt and absentmindedly tugs it downward to cover more of his thighs, why he choose now of all times to care about is own appearance he’ll never understand.

Gaspard walks over to the window and opens it before turning around to give Xavier a cigarette and lightening it for him. The first couple of drags feel heavenly to his jumpy nerves, his shoulders relaxe instantly and he leans against the windowsill, his skin prickling slightly because of the chilly air.  Turning his head a little, he looks up at the stars twinkling above them as they smoke in silence.

“It’s been a long day, right?” Gaspard says then, surprising Xavier a little and he turns around to look at him and nods twice.

“Yeah, doesn’t help that I barely got any sleep last night”, Xavier mumbles lowly, a small laugh escaping him. Gaspard gives him a smile and Xavier feels his heart melt a little – he really hates love and all the feelings that come with it.

He exhales deeply and taps the end of his cigarette against the windowsill, turning back to look at the stars again. In the far distance you can still hear cars zooming around on the still busy streets, laughter from the city and the dangerous sound of high-heels clicking against the pavement. Xavier decides he likes this city even though he had barely seen it.

 

“Are you feeling better now?”

“Yeah… A little better.”

“It sounded like you were being murdered, you know.”

There’s laughter coming from Xavier and he exhales smoke into the darkening night, in some ways he was being murdered in that dream but he wouldn’t tell Gaspard about that just yet.

“You didn’t have to worry about me”, Xavier says with a sort of smile on his lips.

 

They stand there for a while, just enjoying the chilly summer night and each other’s company. Gaspard had stepped closer after some time and they were pretty much pressed side to side a few seconds later. It makes Xavier realise just how different they are, how different they look when standing next to each other. For a second he gets really self-conscious, and hopes Gaspard isn’t able to see it, and if he notices anything off about Xavier he doesn’t mention it, he just stands there, pressed against Xavier’s side and smoking his cigarette in silence.

He yawns lightly and tilts his head to the side, accidently letting it rest on Gaspard’s shoulder. The latter says nothing about it so Xavier doesn’t withdraw. Pretty soon thereafter there’s a hand carding through his hair, though, and it feels absolutely perfect. Just the way he had imagined things between them would be – simple, easy and perfect. He puts his cigarette out and concentrates on being so close to Gaspard. Concentrates on the way his fingers gently massage his scalp before threading through his hair and then starting from the beginning again. It’s soothing and comfortable and Xavier’s eyes droop just the tiniest, if it could be like this always – what wouldn’t he give for that?

He smiles to himself – he’s never been so happy over something so small as this.

 

†

 

It’s when they’re getting ready for bed again that Gaspard turns around to look at Xavier, who looks back at him as he’s bent over his own bed, shirt riding up in the back but he doesn’t care – oblivious to the way Gaspard’s eyes dips lower quickly and then up again. Gaspard seems to struggle with his words for a while  (he’s still standing in the middle of the room) but then he turns around and faces his bed again and walks towards it.

“Do you think you can go back to sleep now?” he asks a second later, that worry from earlier back in his voice. Xavier finds it both endearing and annoying.

“I…-“ he stops for a second to think about it and then shakes his head.

“No, I think I’ll stay up and read something.” Gaspard looks as if he's not altogether pleased with the answer, but shakes his head and settles down on his own bed, tugging the covers over his legs for the second time that night. He throws Xavier another sort of hard to understand look and then he lies down on the bed and turns to face the wall.

                      Xavier on the other hand, sits very still on his bed and lets out a soft sigh. While it had been pretty awesome only a little while ago, there’s not a chance he’ll be able to sleep. He sits under the covers on his bed, fiddling with the hem of the covers and trying to think of happy things and memories he likes. Another sigh escapes him, this time it is a little louder, and he presses his fingers harder into the covers – practically forcing any bad thoughts out of his mind. One nightmare had been enough, thank you very much.

                      He shoots Gaspard’s resting form a glance and for a few seconds his thoughts seem to melt away, the calm surrounding the other rubbing off on Xavier. (If only he knew what Gaspard is going through, however!) He turns to his side and picks up one of those brochures he had taken from the lobby. It’s filled with pictures and small notes in an even smaller font and Xavier has to squint to read it and he gives up – with a sigh – a few seconds later. The brochure is placed back where he found it and after that he’s back to battling the thoughts circulating in his head.

 

                      “Please stop.” Xavier looks towards the other bed and sees Gaspard sitting up (and no, he does not look at the way the covers slide down his chest, he does not look at those unruly curls standing in all directions, he does not look anywhere but Gaspard’s face), his nose wrinkles and then he lets out a tired sigh. Xavier waits for an explanation.

                      “I can hear you thinking from here”, Gaspard says and throws the covers aside to get out of the bed once again. Xavier turns to face the wall and tries not to think about anything at all. It’s hard.

                      “I… I just-“ Gaspard stops and there’s a sigh before he continues, voice now nothing but a whisper, “If that dream of yours affected you that badly…” He makes some weird gesture to his own bed and Xavier lifts one eyebrow, not understanding where this is heading at all.

                      “We both need sleep”, is all Gaspard says and motions to his bed again and lifts the covers. Xavier gives him a questioning look, making his forehead wrinkle. Is Gaspard meaning the same thing Xavier is currently thinking about? Is he? It’s on shaky legs that Xavier leaves his own bed, he’s not entirely sure what’s happening – or why it’s happening – but he barely dares to look at Gaspard and when he does, his look says it all and Xavier looks away quickly and gets in under the covers. He really hopes there’s more to it than Gaspard doing it just to be nice, and to get himself some sleep.

                      They’re lying face to face on the bed (Xavier quickly discovers the mattress is uncomfortable, but he keeps his mouth shut and tries to shuffle into a better position) and when Xavier looks at Gaspard’s face it looks a bit… Different from what he had imagined. His facial expression has finally softened, and all those usually present crinkles have diminished – he looks peaceful for once.

                      “Thank you for doing this for me”, Xavier says, his voice just a whisper. He smiles lightly (he tries to, but it probably looks more like a grimace) and inches closer to Gaspard. He hesitates briefly, then surges forward and presses a chaste and quick kiss to the other’s lips. He withdraws only seconds later, but he can still feel the light pressure on his lips and the way his body started tingling.

                      “Thank you”, he says hastily, and rolls over. Maybe he actually has a shot at being with Gaspard. Maybe the other doesn’t hate him as much as he had thought earlier. Maybe…

 

†

 

Gaspard lies shocked as he stares at Xavier’s back. He had not seen that coming and the kiss, although brief, had him frozen to the spot. He wants to say something about it, call attention to it but he keeps his mouth shut and ignores the way his stomach flips, the way his heart picks up its rate. He’s pathetic and he knows that. He’s an utter idiot and he immediately regrets offering his bed to Xavier. Not because he doesn’t want to be close, but… He rolls over onto his side and stares out into their dark room. He had fucked up so much these two days, when he had sworn not to do anything. Why does he have to fuck it up? He will set everything straight first thing in the morning.


	3. Anger

It's the day after Xavier's nightmare. It's the day after they finally seemed to get somewhere in their relationship. Things seem to be better between the two of them, and Xavier feels at peace.

They're lounging in their room while waiting for their friends to get ready and come get them when Gaspard shoots him a weird look. Xavier doesn’t bother with trying to figure out what it means, he only waits to see if Gaspard will say something about it or if that’s it.

 

"Let's forget about yesterday" Gaspard says a second later and Xavier just stares at him, mouth slightly open and eyes widening. _Forget_? He wants to _forget_? Xavier can’t quite believe what he’s hearing. He feels his insides churn, chest suddenly tight and eyes burning. Fuck. He bites the inside of his cheek harshly, first to stop himself from spewing nonsense, then so he won’t break down in front of Gaspard. Xavier clenches his fists together as he rises from the bed he’s been sitting on for the past ten minutes.

He can’t forget about yesterday. Didn’t they come to terms with their feelings, at last? He slept in Gaspard’s bed, for crying out loud. He slept in his arms. Everything had been just perfect – and now Gaspard wants him to forget?

Xavier starts pacing around the small room, feeling both devastated and furious. He stops mid-step and turns to look at Gaspard heatedly, feeling the rage build within him. _He looks so fucking innocent_ , _like he’s not the one at fault_ , Xavier thinks as he looks at Gaspard. He wants to fling himself out through the window, or possibly Gaspard. He hadn’t decided yet.

"I can't forget-" he says, but it comes out more like a snarl and his voice is louder than he intended it to be as he takes on a stiff stance.

"Just-“ Gaspard makes a pause where he looks exasperated at Xavier, “Please do", he continues a second later and then lets out a heavy sigh and stares at the floor, hands coming up to cover his face. _As if that will help you,_ Xavier thinks and makes a sharp turn to walk to the other side of the room again.

"Why?" Another snarl and he has his back turned to Gaspard.

"It wasn't meant to happen. We're friends, I don't like you. Not like that, you know-"

 Xavier suddenly feels like he has heard enough. He should leave the room and go out on his own, but instead he walks back towards Gaspard briskly and then stops to stand in front of the man. Gaspard just looks up at him, and when Xavier raises a hand and lands a punch he doesn’t even flinch. He doesn’t block it, doesn’t say a thing, nothing. Relief floods Xavier however, so he hits Gaspard again and it feels better, a lot better. _'We're friends', 'I don't like you'_ Xavier has never felt so hurt in his life before. This is the very reason why he hated love and never had boyfriends or girlfriends. Sex with no strings attached was simple and better than this mess.

Xavier frowns deeply, he wants to punch him again, to kick and scream at Gaspard, to call him names and to hurt him like he just did, but he can’t think of anything.

A pair of brown eyes looks up at him, and his rage seems to disappear (if only a little). He needs to get out of the room. He needs to go somewhere else where he doesn’t have to see Gaspard. Or Pedro, or Thibaut, or Christopher.

He settles for delivering one last punch, both harder and more precise than the earlier ones – it makes him feel a tad guilty but Gaspard really deserves it.

Seconds later he’s storming out of the room. He slams the door open, manages to stumble straight into Pedro and then elbows his way away from his friends and down the stairs. In the far distance he can hear Pedro asking what’s going on.

He doesn’t stay to listen to the reply, nor does he care about whatever Gaspard has to say.

 

Xavier is fuming as he storms outside the ugly building, he’s blinded by his own rage and his stupid thoughts. Why did he tell himself that they had fixed things? Why did he have to believe that his long suffering had finally come to its end?

Apparently it had only been the beginning of something much worse, something that tears away at his heart and soul.

He digs through his pockets and finds a pack of cigarettes – just what he needs. Lightning the damn thing proves to be much harder than anticipated, but as soon as he succeeds he starts walking down the street briskly, angry and heartbroken. He briefly wonders if Gaspard feels the same – then it hits him, of course Gaspard isn’t feeling the same. He is probably feeling fan-fucking-tastic, because they were only friends. This had been a mistake. Xavier regrets ever following Gaspard to his bed. Xavier regrets ever falling in love with him. Xavier regrets everything and more.

 

†

 

His phone goes off just as he finally settled down and found some peace amongst all his troubles.

With a long and heavy groan he looks at the screen, _Busy P,_ Xavier immediately presses the red little button and hangs up on Pedro. He has no plans to have some heartfelt talk here or now. All he wants to do is rewind the time and somehow stop himself from having that nightmare. Perhaps he could go back even further and make it so he and Gaspard hadn’t been put in the same room? Maybe he could go even further back in time and decline the offer of going on a road trip with his friends.

His phone goes off again, and this time there’s another name on the screen. Xavier lets it ring. His friends can deal with him ignoring them, he doesn’t care one bit, not right now anyway.

Shoving his phone down his pocket, he starts walking again, this time following the river cutting through the city – dividing it in two.

He can feel his phone vibrating again and ignores it once again, letting it ring until it stops. Five seconds pass and then it starts again.

_Okay, okay, I’ll answer your stupid calls,_  he thinks as he grabs his phone. There’s a different name on the screen now, and Xavier presses the little green symbol and brings the phone to his ear. He doesn’t even have to say a word, because Pedro’s loud voice stops him from doing anything.

“Xavier!” there’s a brief pause where Xavier can hear the sound of angry voices talking behind Pedro.

“Where the fuck are you, man?” Xavier still doesn’t answer, he only holds the cell phone close to his ear as he stares out over the river beside him. Pedro says something else, but this time Xavier doesn’t bother to listen to it so he’s slightly confused at first when he hears a more soft-spoken voice. Thibaut.

“Xavier? I know you’re there-“ He answered the phone after all, of course he’s there. There’s some sounds in the background, then a door is shut and after that there’s nothing.

“I heard what happened… He explained everything to us”, there’s a pause and Xavier takes a deep breath, trying to stifle his anger swelling again.

“He’s worried too, you know-“

“You said he explained, of course he’s not worried!” Xavier raises his voice as he grips the railing on the bridge. Gaspard can’t be worried, because for him all that had happened has been a mistake. Thibaut probably means that Gaspard is _happy_ now that Xavier isn’t around.

“He’s probably really relieved because I’m not there. After all, it was a mistake.” Xavier spits out and frowns deeply. For a few seconds there’s utter silence from the other line and Xavier is one hundred percent sure he got everything right and Thibaut can’t come up with a lie.

“…I won’t speak for him, but you two should talk. Alone and without throwing punches, okay?” Xavier scoffs – Gaspard deserved those punches though.

“I’d rather not”, he says plainly and Thibaut sighs on the other end, but it’s a soft one and Xavier understands the meaning behind it. ” _Fine, but don’t stay out too late or get into trouble, we want you in one piece, okay?”_ Xavier nods to his own thought. He’s been around Thibaut for so long he can easily understand a simple sigh.

“Okay then, I guess we will see you later?” Thibaut says after a while.

“Much later”, Xavier grunts, “Just no more calls, Okay? I’ll text you when I’m on my way back to the hostel.”

 

Thibaut accepts that, and they hang up a moment later – Xavier is really pleased, alone at last, now he can worry on his own.

 

†

 

                      It’s much later that night when he returns to the hostel. It’s dark outside and the whole city seems to be asleep. He smokes one last cigarette for the day (or maybe the first one) while he sends a text to Thibaut, he had promised him that, after all. Right before he walks inside the super ugly building he gets a reply from Thibaut, he reads it quickly, and then shoves his phone into his pocket again.

 

Combing his hair back, Xavier starts climbing the stairs, it creaks awfully loud with each step he takes, but he tries to ignore it and hopes no one else in the building will hear it and wake up.

                      Reaching his and Gaspard’s room, he wonders briefly if he really should open that door and sleep there. He could text Thibaut, after all. His friends would probably understand if he doesn’t want to sleep in that room ever again, right?

                      His hand is resting on the doorknob, and after arguing with himself he finally twists it and walks inside the room. It’s dark and he almost stumbles over the bags placed in the middle of the room. He can just barely make out the sleeping form of Gaspard, and seeing his body just makes him angry all over again. _Fucking idiot_ , he thinks as he balls his fists and walks towards his bed. He curses lowly to himself as he does trips, but he falls comfortably on his bed so it’s okay.

                      As he starts to undress he can’t help but look to the sleeping body across the room, Xavier furrows his brow, Gaspard looks so … peaceful. Looks nothing like earlier that morning. He thinks back to the other night, thinks about the smallest things Gaspard had done – but also the most important. He had been a completely different person then.

                      _”Are you alright?”_  Gaspard asked and Xavier had hung his head. The answer to that question had been both yes and no.

                      _"Want to do something? Do you want a smoke?”_  The answer to that had been yes.

 

                      And then they smoked. They stood by the window for hours, Xavier remembers them being so close. He remembers Gaspard being almost naked, save for those ugly coloured boxers he had. Xavier suddenly remembers how embarrassed he had been when standing next to Gaspard, how different they were – both in person and in built. Xavier himself looks so scrawny, so small it’s almost ridiculous. If Gaspard had noticed their differences he hadn’t shown it anyway.

                     

Xavier sighs deeply, his facial expression shifting from anger to gloominess. There is a certain softness to his face as he relaxes back down on the cheap bed. He wants to forget all about yesterday. He wants to forget about Gaspard and everything they’ve shared so far.

With one last thought about yesterday, Xavier pulls the blanket over his head and falls asleep, almost hoping he’ll be back home in the morning.


	4. Jealousy

Pedro has decided that the best way to lighten everyone’s mood is to go out and party. While Xavier is still mad, angry and heartbroken he can’t help but find the idea very appealing – he can drink recklessly without a care in the world, he can make out with as many people as he’d like and he could have a quick fuck somewhere hidden. He can do everything he’s been putting off for months, more or less. With a slight smirk on his lips he pulls on the jacket he’s been holding in his hands and then walks out of the room, leaving he-who-will-not-be-named and the thick tension that’s been building up between them.

 

†

Within forty minutes of being in the club, Xavier has so far managed to get absolutely hammered. He’s also made it his special mission for the night to make out with as many people as possible – he starts out with a pretty, blonde, girl who looks as if she had forgotten her clothes at home, it doesn’t matter though, they’re young and drunk and the music is loud.

They’re standing close to the bar and Xavier has to stand on the tip of his toes (damn all these girls with their high heels) to reach, but it’s nice, soft and sensual. The girl leans towards him and he puts his hands on her hips to draw her in closer. For a while they stay exactly like that, pressed against each other tightly and it’s only when Xavier feels bored of her that he pulls back and walks away with a slight wave and a tiny smile on his lips leaving her all alone at the bar looking clueless.

He catches Pedro’s disapproving look from across a small crowd, but that doesn’t stop Xavier from walking up to a very handsome dude and start to flirt with him. In fact, Pedro’s disapproving looks only encourages him to flirt more, be more lewd. The tall man happily agrees to make out with him, and if he’s a little rough and manhandles him, Xavier does his best to not let it show. He’s being pressed against a rough surface – he guesses it’s a wall – and then there’s hips grinding against his in a slow manner, rocking with the soft beat of the music. If he were to say that he wasn’t turned on, he would be lying.

Xavier wraps his arms around the other dude loosely and lets his body

lose itself in the feeling of having another body grinding against his own. When he for mere seconds, leans away to let his head fall against the wall behind him, he’s breathless and hot. The other man trails hot kisses along his jaw line and manages to grind up against him in just the right angle and –

 

Suddenly, there’s a hand pressing at his chest and the next thing he sees are curls. Lots of them, and they’re in his face and he suddenly feels _so_  angry. Ready to punch someone-angry. His sort of hook-up has backed away too, and he’s wrinkling his nose and then shakes his head.

“What the fuck, what’s your problem?” the dude says, and Xavier feels like he could’ve gone the night without hearing the dude talk.

“Get the fuck away from him”, Gaspard says in a dangerously calm voice.

“Gaspard-“ Xavier doesn’t even get to finish his sentence, or his thoughts for that matter because he’s suddenly standing face to face with Gaspard who seems to tower over him. He’s levelled with a glare that makes him feel like the worst human on planet earth. Xavier glares back and puffs his chest out. It’s absurd. He can’t believe his freaking luck (what luck? He doesn’t even have any)! To think that they had shared a bed only two days earlier, to think that he was (is) in love with the same man making his life a living hell. He wonders why Gaspard does the things he does. Why was he angry? Why couldn’t he just leave Xavier alone?

When Gaspard says nothing or does nothing to indicate that he wants anything, Xavier furrows his brow and turns to walk away, only to be stopped immediately by Gaspard’s hand clutching around his wrists. It holds him tightly, almost to the point where it hurts and it annoys Xavier, but he keeps his mouth shut. He continues to glare at Gaspard, trying to work him out, trying to understand anything at all.

The music around them changes and picks up its pace, sounding more aggressive for every second. Gaspard moves quickly and steps even closer – too close for Xavier’s likening right now. The action looks similar to that of one preparing to kiss another but that’s absurd.

Xavier tries so hard to understand what’s going on in Gaspard’s head, but he can’t. He can’t even understand the look he’s giving him. It’s … Confused? Angry? Hateful? Regretful?

Another hand comes up to grasp his other wrist and suddenly Gaspard holds him in a tight grip, Xavier’s wrists aching.

 

“Don’t do that again”, Gaspard says, his voice dipping dangerously low. Xavier jerks back as much as he can before the brick wall behind him stops him from going any further. He can’t believe what he’s hearing, who does Gaspard think he is? He can’t order him around, not like this.

“Fuck you, I do whatever I want”, he pauses and looks down to his wrists and tries to yank his hands back to himself and then continues talking, “Get off of me and leave me the fuck alone.” Gaspard pushes him into the wall harshly, the rough surface scratching at his bare upper-arms. He never should’ve gone to the club with the others. Why had he listened to Pedro’s stupid idea? ” _Come on, everyone likes the club! This will definitely cheer you guys up!”._ Not in the slightest, no. He fumed as he stared up at Gaspard, rage filling him once again. He just can’t understand why the other wouldn’t leave him alone.

“Seriously! What’s your problem?” he grits out, and he suddenly feels anxious, like he’s the cause to all the world problems. Why did he allow Gaspard to make him feel like this? He wanted to return home, curl up on his bed and cry. Gaspard says nothing for a while, he only looms above him – the tension growing thicker for each second that passes until –

 

                      Suddenly there’s lips grazing his, it’s just a peck, but it makes Xavier’s heart beat wildly inside his chest. His breathing stops for a split second and now he really feels like crying. Tears burn at the insides of his eyelids and he simply doesn’t know what to do. The kiss draws on longer, and by now it’s just lips being pressed against each other tightly. Xavier has longed for this moment for so long, but now he’s not sure what to make out of the situation, he can’t just forget what happened the other day – yet Gaspard is standing there and kissing him.

                      The shorter man lets out a muffled whimper (it’s pathetic and childish and he hates it) and suddenly the tears he had tried to hold back streams down his face in a steady flow. One could only keep those protective walls up for so long.

                      Gaspard backs off mere seconds later, he’s still holding Xavier’s wrists in a strong grip, he’s still pushing him up against the wall and he’s still standing too close.

                      “I’m sorry”, he croaks, his voice strained and something else Xavier can’t name. He looks up and tries his hardest to not look as weak as he feels. He wants to scream at Gaspard again, to throw punches, to leave him bloody on the floor and have fun on his own, but he simply _can’t_.

“Don’t”, Xavier starts in a tone almost too quiet for a club. He lifts his hands as much as he possible can to place them on Gaspard’s chest as he continues, “It’s not fair, don’t do this to me, not now-“ He leans back against the wall for support and hopes dearly that Pedro will see them and come rescue him. Preferably drive him home too, even if home is hours away. Gaspard backs off a little more, his grip on Xavier’s wrists softening a slowly. When Xavier looks at Gaspard again, the other’s expression looks softer and not as hard and angry as before, and it calms Xavier a little. It feels as if the music around them has slowed down, the hectic tempo inside the club gone and they were the only ones left in the universe now. It is just the two of them.

“Please hear me out”, Gaspard says and his voice sounds gravelly and it takes Xavier a few seconds before he registers what’s been said to him. He blinks twice, and then a third time as he studies Gaspard’s face closely. The other looks a bit frustrated, and for a second the grip on Xavier’s wrists tightens again – as if that would help him get his point across.

“Please?” It actually sounds so sincere and hopeful Xavier can’t help but dropping his hands to his side and mumble a soft “Fine”, and when he looks up at Gaspard all he sees is that testing smile, a small one, but a smile nonetheless.

“But not here”, Xavier ads and wrinkles his nose slightly, glancing around the club. If they’re having a heartfelt talk it’s going to be somewhere quiet where they won’t get interrupted. The first place that pops up into Xavier’s head is the hostel and he, without a second thought, grabs Gaspard’s hand and says “Come along”, as he tugs Gaspard with him.

 

†

 

The walk back to the hostel is quick and takes naught but minutes, Xavier’s body is thrumming with excitement the whole walk there, but when he glances back at Gaspard he’s afraid the walk has cooled him off. Xavier won’t say anything though, not yet. He had said “not here”, and he had really meant it. Neither nightclubs nor open streets in the middle of the night are home to intimate and heartfelt discussions. As they finally stand in the security of their room, Xavier distances himself from Gaspard and sits down, quite expectant, on his bed. It is haphazardly made, but the room itself looks shabby, so why bother?

Neither of them speaks, and Xavier feels his eyes droop, have they really lost the moment? He fiddles with his hands in his lap, laces his fingers together and tries to think of something to say. Something that would-

 

“I’m sorry”, is the first thing Gaspard says.

“I shouldn’t have done that”, he sits down next to Xavier with a heavy thud and fixes his eyes on the floor, just like Xavier himself, “I just… I don’t know.” Xavier hears the so distinguish tone of frustration, how it’s laced with each word and makes them sound angry and sorrowful. Xavier wondered whom Gaspard is angry at, and then he wonders what he could’ve done this time to deserve such rage.

The rustle of clothes alertes Xavier, and he looks up as Gaspard inches closer, dragging the bedding with him.

“I just…” Gaspard starts again and this time Xavier furrows his eyebrows and nearly spits, “You what?”

Gaspard’s hand curls up into a fist and he grits his teeth together. Trying to restrain himself around Xavier seems to be no good at all.

“I am”, he starts anew, his fist smoothening out again, “sorry for acting like a total asshole to you. I’m sorry about calling the other day a mistake. I’m sorry, Xavier”, Gaspard says, his voice just a drawl.

There is an obvious / _but/_ to what Gaspard has just said and Xavier feels his whole body tense up as they sit there, so close, just like the other day. But this is nothing like that.

Sensing Xavier’s tenseness, Gaspard turns just the slightest to look at him with his big brown eyes. They seem to bore into Xavier’s soul as they sit there next to each other, seconds ticking by. Xavier can see that Gaspard is dwelling on something, and he is just about to speak up when the other man starts to speak.

“I like you.”

Xavier’s first reaction is to widen his eyes, then he gives Gaspard a questioning look, eyebrows raised and all, then finally – he laughs. He simply can’t believe his ears. His laugh is not of humor at all, it’s more like a croaking, miserable sound, forced and shallow. His stomach twists and turns and he inches away from Gaspard. Why would Gaspard say something like that to him? Why does he want to keep hurting Xavier?

The smaller one turns his head away from Gaspard and his laughter dies down quickly.

“No, rea-“ Gaspard starts but immediately shuts up as soon as he sees Xavier’s glare.

“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Xavier closes his eyes and purses his lips together tightly. “ _Please stop_ ”, Xavier breathes heavily and closes his hand into a fist. Gaspard sits back, stunned, and shuts his mouth. Xavier wastes no time – he leans over towards the other quickly and sends him one of the darkest glares he’s ever mustered up.

“I love you”, he says, his voice feeble as he starts. “ever since you sat your foot in the record shop, I’ve loved you but I just can’t take this.” Xavier furrows his brow – he hates that he has to bare his soul like this and it makes him antsy and irritated, but mostly he feels unloved and forgotten. He picks absentmindedly at the hem of his shirt as he focuses his eyes on the floor instead of Gaspard’s face.

“I’m scared”, Xavier admits in a softer tone, “and I’m done getting hurt by you so you can take your excuses and sorry ass out of this room and go fuck yourself”, he finishes, tone back to an irritated drawl as he glares daggers into the floor. Oh, if only looks could kill.

 

For a few seconds nothing happenes, not even so much as a shift on the bed. Gaspard has stayed exactly where he is and it now angers Xavier who immediately turns to face the other man, only to be surprised by a pair of big brown eyes staring at him softly. There is a different shine in Gaspard’s eyes, but Xavier isn’t taking chances tonight. He clears his throat, hoping that the other will get up from his bed and leave. Gaspard doesn’t.

“Are you fucking deaf too? I want you to lea-” Xavier never gets to finish the sentence, because Gaspard leans in so close their foreheads were touching, and it somehow calms Xavier. Gaspard takes that as his cue.

“I’m sorry Xavier, I really am. I do like you, I’m not joking with you…” His voice gets softer and quieter and Xavier feels so torn. Torn between the anger and the love within.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen… I just- I tried to stay away but I just couldn’t and then-“ he stops abruptly, only to look Xavier deeply in the eyes as the time seems to slow down around them.

It’s crazy, Xavier tries to tell himself, it’s madness, wrong, idiotic – but he can’t help himself. He leans in just that more and just as easily as before, their lips are touching. The soft kiss takes Gaspard by surprise but he melts into it quickly – hands coming around to grasp at Xavier’s clothes to pull him closer. Breathing seems to be of low priority as their fingers weave together in a tight embrace.

“I love you, okay?”

 

†

 

They’re on their way back home, all packed up in Pedro’s car – he’s still way above the speed limit and it’s still unbearably hot inside the car. Xavier is sleepy the moment he sits down, squished between Gaspard and Thibaut once again. This time he’s not anxious, and this time, when his head lulls to the side and his eyes shut slowly, he leans to rest on Gaspard’s shoulder, and suddenly he feels at peace. He breathes softly and closes his eyes, breathing in Gaspard’s cologne. Gaspard shifts under him and puts one arm around Xavier’s thin body to draw him in against his chest, and Xavier can feel himself almost burst from happiness. He snuggles up against Gaspard’s body and finally lets the sleep take him. Everything is finally alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was it folks! Last chapter! I'd like to thank Lara once again, she's been great with advices and help when I've been writing this, so, thank you.


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